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I don’t remember falling asleep, but that seems to be what I do when I go to that white world. I guess I’ve been asleep for a while. My eyes are still closed, but I can tell I’m awake because one of my sinuses feels slightly plugged, and that’s definitely not something I notice when I’m asleep. Sleeping feels so good, I don’t want to open my eyes.

I really want to go back to sleep, but I can hear something. Is that voices? I don’t recognize them.

“…nothing to worry about. The sleep spell gets reapplied on its own…”

That doesn’t sound good. Maybe I should pretend to be asleep? I’m starting to notice this place smells wrong, and there’s ambient noise that also sounds wrong. It feels like I am in a bed of furs, and that definitely is not the couch in our apartment or my bed.

“…even if he woke up, there’s nowhere to go. All the monsters here use a ton of status effects, and dimensional magic is sealed off, so he’s right screwed.”

That voice is kind of deep but carries over the ambient noise. There’s a whining, nasally voice I can hear, but their voice doesn’t carry the same way and is lost in the background. Speaking of which, that background noise is unpleasant. I think I can hear screams, crying, and metal scraping across metal.

Time for me to draw conclusions using my superior wizardly intellect! I have been kidnapped. The perpetrators are possibly connected with that darned god in the white world. They think for some reason I am weak to status effects and are using a sleep spell to keep me imprisoned in a dungeon full of monsters who use said status effects while keeping the place under a teleportation block.

I’m not sure why these people are going along with the plans of that god, but I will make them regret doing so! Aha hahahaha. Oh, I was probably supposed to shriek out with that laughter rather than just think the syllables in a bored voice to actually parody that god. I need to work on my skills at mocking others, I guess. Fortunately, nobody knows I screwed it up!

I gingerly crack an eyelid, and see a room shrouded in gloom. There are bars surrounding me, and a glow coming from an open door outside the bars to another room. I didn’t immediately see anyone. I can probably risk keeping my eyes open and take a better look around.

I am in a cell. Like, an actual dungeon cell. There are shackles hanging from chains and chairs with iron restraints and other fun dungeon implements. I did not expect the Spanish Inquisition. After thinking this, I stare expectantly at the open door, but nobody bursts in to yell at me. Oh well. I can still hear talking, but it sounds like they are also eating, so the conversation has gotten significantly less important to my current state of affairs.

Or has it? I could mix in some poison into their food or drink at long range. That’s not really important though. I can just drown them. I haven’t shown that off in the arena, so I doubt anyone is ready for that attack. I don’t have my wands, and my clothes have been changed into a burlap loincloth. It’s a good thing I don’t have to actually use toilet, as I’m not sure I can refold this loincloth. Speaking of, I just woke up! I should deplete my bladder’s stores into my pocket dimension!

Oh, that didn’t work. Right, they are blocking dimensional magic. Probably includes all dimensional magic, not just teleport. Well. Time to break out of jail while smelling like pee. I’m just glad I figured it out before doing anything, ahem, more serious. Like blowing my nose! Haha, I almost pooped myself. Actually, I really need to go. But I also need to break out of here.

There’s a door made of iron bars with a lock. I try to use my magical skills to open the lock, since it looks like a basic tumbler lock. If I just imagine a gelatinous mass of magic inside the lock solidifying in the shape of the tumblers and turning, thank you very much, the door is unlocking. I hear a loud click, but I don’t think they noticed out there what with the eating and drinking and talking. They are bad guards and they should feel bad about the quality of their work!

I try opening the door slowly. It creaks a little, but I manage to open it just enough to slip out without the feasting (fail)guards noticing. I creep up to the glowing entryway, and peek around the edge. Oh, that’s not good. They’re sitting around a circular table in the middle of the room, and I see at least two of them before pulling my head back. One of them was facing me, but he was looking at his plate instead of this door. I’m supposed to be asleep, after all.

What are my tactical options at this point? I don’t want to use gas attacks, as it would likely affect me as well in this small, unventilated space. I can probably drown them all once I see them. Maybe I need to move back against the bars of this cell and look through the doorway at all of them and see if I can drown everybody at once?

As I move, I realize this loincloth is starting to chafe. I guess it being soaked in urine isn’t helping me in a dermatological sense. I strip it off, and as I do, I am seized by a sense of rage. How dare they put me in a position where I pee myself. I think about what my urine is made of, and how it is currently messing with my skin and fur. But especially what it is made of.

Just drowning them isn’t enough. They are getting a special drowning.

This thing I am doing is a horrible thing, but at this point I think I have done plenty of horrible things. Like, the horrible things just blur together. I think I did some horrible things. I can’t remember the particulars, but I can feel the guilt.

I step into the doorway, and I see the figures around the table. There are four of them, and I see them eating a roast pig. It’s mostly devoured already, the greedy bastards. If there was still a lot left, that may have given me some pause in what I am about to do, but now their fates are sealed.

Oh yeah, that is real suffering. I let it build up slow to let them suffer some. Watching somebody spray urine out of their nose and mouth is a little horrifying. There is now four dead guards, and none of them are disintegrating into light particles, so none of them were players! Score! Literally, I am a murderer and my score went up by four.

No time to feel terrible, I need to get out of here. I could use some clothes, but in my vengeance, all the guards’ clothes are now also soaked in urine. I could have thought that out a little better. It’s fine, I’ll just escape in my birthday suit. Can’t open my inventory, can’t teleport away my bodily wastes, I really need to find whatever is preventing dimensional magic and take that out. One last bit of revenge though, I toss the soiled loincloth at the face of one of the dead guards. They have some weapons, but they’re all swords and guns. Boring stuff. There’s a clock that looks like it belongs in a nursery, softly chirping out a lullaby, I guess that was the thing casting sleep spells on me? I break it. Screw that thing.

There’s also a beer keg. Finally, something to be happy about! It’s slightly floating in its tub of ice, though. I find a clean cup, snag a beer that is mostly foam out of the keg and swear. I down the foamy beer anyway. It’s something. One last scan of the room reveals there is nothing else of interest here, and it is time to head out into the dungeon to explore. Among the moaning, crying, and horrible metal scraping noises.

I’ll just pretend it’s a haunted house, shall I? I’ve never been to one of those, so this should be fun!

1 Comment

  1. zavyyn

    Slaps harder than an angry mama.

    Reply

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